Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Exile Piers Morgan - and other pleas

Launching this blog was intended, in part, to be cathartic – in the ‘purging the emotions’ sense of the word rather than the alternative meaning of ‘strongly laxative.’ But I have resisted the urge to regularly rant.
The role of grumpy old man lends itself to easy copy and cheap shots. But it would quickly become predictable and therefore boring.
More importantly such a jaundiced position wouldn’t accurately reflect my view of the world. Most mornings I don’t awake with a moan. However being reminded of Jean-Paul Sartre’s observation “Hell is other people” has prompted me to sound off today about my top 10 hates because it allows me to exclude war and pestilence but not Piers Morgan

1. I object to being buffeted by tall Tube travellers’ backpacks when I travel in the Rush Hour. Consequently weight restrictions should be introduced on the Underground because I don’t like being squashed by fat people either.

2. I can’t stand seeing dummies (pacifiers) in babies’ faces at any time but definitely not once they are walking. Police community support officers should be instructed to hand offending parents warnings that they risk harming their childrens' speech development as well as making them look silly.

3. Overly affectionate couples of all sexual persuasions should be discouraged from kissing in public. Couples over the age of 45 should be banned from holding hands.

4. Smelly food should not be consumed on any form of public transport.

5. Coughers should be ejected from cinemas and theatres and barred until they can provide medical evidence they are better.

6. Dog owners shouldn’t be allowed to walk their pets in local parks during the hours of daylight unless they are leashed – dogs and owners.

7. The UK television authorities should prohibit all food shows except those featuring Sophie Dahl. Top Gear should also be scrapped and replaced by Sophie Dahl repeats.

8. There should be spot fines for excessive use of the word “cool.”

9. Dentists should be required to refrain from asking patients how they are.

10. Piers Morgan has already enjoyed more than his fair share of luck and ability. President Obama should bestow American citizenship on the former Daily Mirror editor and then confiscate his passport. This still might not be enough to deny Morgan TV screen time in Britain.

2 comments:

  1. Well GC. No chance to give Piers Morgan USA citizenship,says Jaffa. He recently did a documentary on the rich tax exiles of Monaco and indicated towards the end of the documentary that he had also become one of them.

    ReplyDelete

What do you think? GC