Friday, 17 December 2010

Buying haemorrhoid cream - and other pains in the neck

Having ceased full-time employment nearly two years ago, I now have the time to consider how fraught with embarrassment are even the most trivial of social encounters. As each day passes I’m becoming more sensitive to the shortcomings of my fellow human beings. Here are a selection.
1. If there’s one thing more disconcerting than queuing to buy haemorrhoid cream in a supermarket or pharmacy, it is standing behind a woman shopping for tampons. I don’t need to know she’s expecting or even on her period. It would be much better if women were allowed legally to shoplift their sanitary requirements - and men tend to their piles under the same legislation. Meanwhile anyone over 65 purchasing KY Jelly should have a street named after them.
2. I find it particularly worrying leaving a public washroom that people might think I peed on my light-coloured trousers when I’ve in fact splashed myself while dutifully washing my hands.
3. There are plenty of opportunities for discomfiture travelling on public transport. Why, for example, couples who wouldn’t dream of sharing toothbrushes are ready to lock tonsils in front of a reluctant audience?
4. I don’t like it when young women are just fat enough to be pregnant. Rather than insult the woman by assuming she must be up the duff, I don’t offer her my seat in bus or Tube until she’s well into her third trimester.
5. I avoid women with a baby in a buggy on the Tube. I once put my back out helping a mother carry the buggy up a staircase not realising that the carrier bags hanging from its handles weighed four times her kid.
6. In the cinema I wish I could complain to a nearby audience member who is talking, eating, or even slightly moving their foot.
7. I detest feeling like an old fart when any machine refuses to function the way I think it should.
8. Having tried on six different shoes, it’s a struggle not to buy a pair that doesn’t fit to please the attentive shoe shop assistant.
9. Social encounters provide a fertile ground for gripes. None more so than meeting someone after 30 years and thinking how worn they look – and that they must be thinking the same about me.
10. Perhaps worst of all having grabbed the barman’s attention and prepared myself for an expensive round,I feel like throttling my guests when they cannot make up their minds what to drink.

No comments:

Post a Comment

What do you think? GC